Let’s Talk about Sex (and What to Do When We Aren’t Having It)


Let’s talk about sex.

Salt-N-Pepa did it in 1991. And I’m going to do it 30 years later.

But, let’s really talk about sex. Not the kind portrayed in every single rom-com. Where each relationship involves endless romance and sex.

That set up how we thought sex would be as young women and what we long for as moms, but for most of us is not a reality. Real life and responsibilities get in the way.

But everyone has that one friend. The one who has the super romantic husband. Still. After more than one year of marriage or after the birth of a few kids. He is Fifty Shades Of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed.

And when Fifty Shades of Grey debuted in theaters and in books, all of us women were in a frenzy. Sacrificing our already minimal sleep to read the books, watching the movies more than once, and then feeling as though our own sex life was failing.

Our sex life isn’t failing, but rather surviving.

It’s surviving as we raise kids, work hard at our jobs, and find that sex is put on the back burner.

And sometimes it sits on that back burner for a very long time.

Why do we put sex on the back burner?

It feels like a chore.

To most of us moms, sex feels like another obligation as we parent and work ourselves through the long days.

And when we don’t feel good about ourselves and our bodies, it becomes even more of a turn off.

It becomes awkward to discuss.

We have no issue having our significant others watch us birthing children, but we can’t discuss our sexual wants, needs, and issues.

Why is that? Why is talking about sex and intimacy so difficult to do?

Take the time to remember it is just like any other hard conversation, difficult to start but worth it for the benefits we will reap after the discussion.

Time to turn that burner back on!

Here are some ways to heat things up again:

  • Communicate how you feel about your body, sex, etc. Let your spouse or partner know about any issues, either in your relationship or issues you might be having with your body.
  • Sex does not need to be romantic on every occasion, but every now and then would definitely speed up the process and make things fun. Take a weekend trip with your spouse and rekindle the romance that you had prior to becoming parents.
  • Make a lunch date at home while the kids are at school.
  • Have a babysitter take your kids out while you and your significant other stay home.
  • Make a plan. If you schedule the time or day, the usual interruptions and excuses will not be present. 

We need to remember that real life romance is not always what you see in movies or read in books. And it takes time and effort to keep things spicy.

Now, in the words of Salt-N-Pepa,“Don’t be coy, avoid or make void the topic” and get your groove back!

For more on getting your love life back on track, see 7 Bedroom Tips for Better Sleep & Intimacy.

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