I currently have four teens.
But I still remember when they were little. I prepared them to not be invited to every birthday party or sleepover or playdate. And explained that they would indeed get yelled at by a teacher at school, and that was okay. I could see that they weren’t the best baseball players, but I was glad that they were having fun.
And then if the sad moment didn’t seem to pass, I could work some mom magic to help them cope. By making plans with different friends if they were left out. Or helping them find another activity if baseball quit being fun.
I knew that those small discomforts of childhood would help them build resilience. And it was always a little sad for me, for a brief moment. But it quickly passed.
But as my wise neighbor always says, “Bigger kids, bigger problems.”
Having teens is heavy. Teenage pain is mom’s pain, too.
Because when they don’t make the basketball team in high school, it’s just sad and over — period.
When they don’t have a date for prom, it’s disappointing. Or when their friends are out on New Year’s Eve but didn’t invite your child, it’s a heavy burden to feel. When your child is on the B-squad and all their friends made the A-team, the ache returns. When you see that your child’s post on Instagram got 34 likes, but another of her friends received 729 likes on her post, embarrassingly, it’s hard to see as a mom. And when your teenager has their heart broken, it stings.
And there’s nothing to do but love them.
There’s nothing to say. As moms, we just need to hear it, to be the emotional garbage can and appear “unburdened.”
I feel guilty for being sad that my very intelligent, healthy son is on the B-squad. I feel more immature than a teenager for being worried that my child’s post didn’t get many likes.
And I feel ashamed for not being grateful, because it could be worse. But I have moments where my heart aches for them. And these moments seem to happen so very often in the teenage years.
I know life is full of pain. And I didn’t rescue them from every discomfort as a little kid, to prepare them to be able to handle disappointment and sadness in these years. And honestly, my teens appear to move through the pain beautifully.
Then my teens dump their emotional trash on me, and I carry it. I lie awake at night digging through it. My husband deals with a crabby wife swimming in garbage (because for some reason, he just doesn’t feel it like I do).
But it’s an important service that I provide for my kids. Here’s how I care for them (and me) during these years).
How to Care For Our Teens
1. Be a durable garbage can.
If you are a fragile, glass garbage can, they won’t want to throw in their heavy trash in the fear that you’ll break. If you cry and become visibly distraught at the garbage they dump on you, they’ll find a different garbage can. Or learn to keep it to themself.
2. Be a plant.
What do teenagers want? Potted plant parents. The teens don’t want my input at every turn. They just want me to absorb some of their emotional carbon dioxide and I’m so glad they’re willing to come to me for oxygen.
3. Don’t try to fix everything.
You’re not going to call the mom of your teenager’s friends and ask for your kid to be invited. And you can’t call the boy that broke her heart and tell him to be nicer. The minute you add a “fix,” you’re telling them they are broken.
4. Love them for who they are.
It might hurt my heart that my kid didn’t get the part in the musical that they really wanted, but I don’t wish they were someone else. Our kids don’t need to have the same experiences we had as teens to be loved and accepted. Our kids deserve to be “the apple of our eye” even if they don’t go to prom, don’t fill our house with a huge group of friends, and don’t make the A honor roll.
5. Don’t blame yourself.
Crying and being visibly heartbroken, or blaming yourself, will likely make the teens want to hide their pain.
If your child has weight concerns and discusses it with you, don’t stress about how your own issues may have caused it. Your child isn’t invited into the big, group picture occurring on the last day of school? Your own desire to hang out at home and watch Netflix versus socializing every weekend is not to blame.
It’s not about you — don’t make it about you.
How to Care For Ourselves
1. Lean on Your Partner
Your partner wasn’t lucky enough to be chosen as the emotional trash can? Then they need to help out in other areas so you can rest and recoup from the emotional burden.
Maybe they need to do more of the carpooling chores so you can do some scrolling to take your mind off all the heavy stuff. Maybe your partner needs to cook and clean up dinner so you can take a bath and watch TV before the teen decides to come out of their room and emotionally dump on the “plant parent.” Your partner might need to make the coffee and do the laundry while you hide under the covers for a few extra weekend hours.
2. Set Boundaries
Being an emotional garbage can is not the same as participating in their rumination.
When my daughter was selecting a college her senior year, we discussed all the options for months. We toured and made spreadsheets. We participated in online meet and greets. I listened to her discuss all options over and over again. But eventually, her indecision was practically causing me panic attacks.
Per my therapist’s suggestion, I set a boundary. I had done all I could to help her, and now I would not discuss it more than five minutes/day. And my daughter has mentioned that my ability to set boundaries was a “greatness” she saw in me.
If your teen’s dumping is causing you distress, you’ll need to set limits regarding what you can take in. Tag out with your partner and let them try on the five strategies above to care for your teen.
3. Look to Friends & Family
It’s always amazing what a coffee or dinner date with a friend can do for a mood boost.
And how those same friends can connect with your teen. Ask a friend or family member to call your teen and attempt a chat. Non-parental adults are often able to appreciate the greatness in your teen because they just don’t feel the hurt like we do.
4. Therapy
Being an emotional trash receptacle doesn’t last forever, and the opposite is your kid sharing nothing with you. Therapists/counselors can help us moms learn to be durable, dependable, and supportive for our kids, while also knowing when it’s time to set boundaries.
Do you blame yourself for your child’s shortcomings? Do you have shame around not being grateful because “it could be worse?” These are things to work through with a counselor/therapist.
Overall, the load of motherhood during the teen years can be heavy.
Remember when everyone said that having a baby is like seeing your heart outside of your body? Well, now my heart is walking around in four teenagers.
And at times my heart feels left out — lonely, ugly, and unloved.
But as a mom, that’s my ache to bear as I support my teens in every way I can.
