Every year, my husband and I discuss goals we individually want to achieve with our children (who are now tweens and teens). These goals are focused on what we want to teach them or learn together with them, but ultimately the goal is connection.
Last year, the yearly “me” goal transformed into a we goal.
The goal was to build a connected family. We are a close family but now that my kids are more mature, I want them to understand why having a connected family is so important.
My Family
We have two girls and a boy with a four-year age gap between the middle and youngest. The oldest has no interest in sports and is more of an introvert, whereas the girls are interested in sports and extroverts.
Fortunately, now that our kids are older, these factors don’t create the barrier they did a few years ago. I feel that as they have matured, it has made this goal of a connected family more attainable.
Looking Toward the Future
I discussed with them the reasons for this family goal of connectedness.
Building a mature connection is not just for the time we are all living in our house, but for the transition into their college and adult years.
These years are the “end game” — when you need all the players in your family connected and solid. The end game brings many celebrations and challenges, but family is the constant. The one thing that remains and continues to grow year after year, adding new family members and unfortunately having some pass away.
When our kids were younger, we did things as a family frequently. Not just with our immediate family but with my parents and my brother’s family. As they grew older, the kids developed their own friendships. Over the years we have supported those friendships, which led to them spending more time with their friends rather than family on the weekends.
This definitely made it more of a challenge to carve out more family-only time.
We presented the goal of more family time while stating that we will continue to support friendships and social outings. But with the condition that they understand the strength and importance of family time, and focusing on interactions with their siblings.
Initially, I thought we needed to “start over” to forge this connection. However, we didn’t actually need to start over, but rather remember our bonds and continue to build them.
Here are some things that we did.
Ways to Connect as a Family
Start talking
- Talk about the future, the end game — the relationship between siblings in adulthood.
- Reassure them that being friends with their siblings is normal. Many teens seem to think the normal is to have dislike towards their siblings. You want to have a connection with your sibling, you want your young teen brother or sister to support you. You want to continue this relationship after high school into college and then through adult years. Your siblings are your people. After us parents pass away, they are the NEW center of the family.
- Educate them that it is normal to have sibling disagreements BUT at the end of the day, they are your people, your team. They love you unconditionally and always will.
- If applicable, discuss the relationship you had with your sibling(s). If it’s a positive connection, explain how that came to be. If you don’t have a solid connection with a sibling(s), use that experience as to why you are encouraging your children to have one.
- Ask them what they appreciate about their siblings. It could be a simple compliment on what they are good at or you can ask them questions, such as, “Who is the funniest?” or, “Who has the cleanest room?” and they vote on it!
- Encourage mature conversations and/or controlled disagreements between them, even if they are hard topics.
Work Together
- Have them engage in a task together. It could be making a big family decision, deciding on the destination of a family vacation, or even shopping together for a gift for a family member.
From the song lyrics of one of my favorite artists, Prince, “Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today. To get through this thing called life.” And it can be tough. But with more intention, you can find way to stay connected with your teens (and them with each other!).
For ideas on how to get through life with older kids/teens, see The Emotional Load of the Teen Years: Tips to Care for Your Teens & Yourself.
