Foster Care.
Those two little words came to my mind often when I began to build my family.
My husband Travis and I were in our second year of marriage and had a 2-year-old daughter. Being adopted as a baby, my heart had always been open to the idea of families being created through other means than birth. Throughout the last year, I repeatedly felt the idea of fostering being placed directly in my path.
While waiting on the porch of a Cracker Barrel, I met a family who’s daughter had the same name as ours. We struck up a conversation and found that they were a foster family! They had two little girls with them for only the last few days, but it had already been so rewarding to see them grow and develop a bond through safe, loving care. The foster parents were hopeful that the girls’ parents could experience sobriety and healing together. The two little girls had soft brown ponytails and bounced around happily.
This was the first image I have in my head of kids in foster care.
Weeks later, I heard an excellent speech from Pebbles Eagle-Thompson, the founder of Project Ignite Light. She spoke to my Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group about the huge need for foster families. She also spoke about the immense trauma that youth in care have often endured.
In the car afterward, I heard song lyrics that closely aligned to the words she’d just spoken. I said aloud, “Ok God, I am listening.” And I did, but I needed a few more experiences like that, along with a very helpful recruiter at Nexus-PATH, to be fully on board.
As much as it was on my heart to make a difference, the unknowns scared me.
How would we do this? What if we weren’t good at it? Would it be strange to parent someone else’s child? A quote that I held onto during this time was, “Don’t wait until you’re not scared to do the thing you want to do. You’ll never do it. Instead, just do it scared” (Christy Wright).
And so began our journey into foster care.
During the licensing process, we specifically told our social worker, “No teenagers!” After all, we felt like we were young ourselves, and only had experience parenting younger children. We didn’t know how to handle dating and hormones and the many choices that teens are faced with daily.
While we waited to be matched with a child, we had a few different kids in our home for respite care. After experiencing a wide variety of age ranges, we realized that teenagers are awesome! They are funny, helpful, and our little one adored them. The age gap worked well because there wasn’t any competition between the kids. And the teens enjoyed hugs from our little one, which was helpful since some didn’t want physical affection from us. After our daughter went to bed, we could spend some time connecting with the teenagers on their level.
We realized we are actually a good fit for teenagers!
Several months later, we welcomed our first teenage girl as a foster care placement, and then our second biological child was born two weeks later. We went from parenting one child, to three, in a blink! It was a wild ride, but with the support of our amazing Nexus-PATH social worker and other foster parents, we felt equipped, and we learned as we went through experiences together.
I think the most people’s biggest worry is how another child will impact their own child(ren).
That’s an understandable concern, considering that youth in care have seen a side of life that we hope no child has to experience; but they also bring so much to the table.
When you foster, you also get to be a part of something greater.
I’ve been a source of encouragement to each teen’s mom, met their siblings, and connected with people who are special to them. With an open mind and heart, there is such an opportunity for collaboration within the youth’s life, which increases their stability and impacts their chances for success.
In our five years of being licensed foster parents, four “bonus daughters” joined our family through foster care.
Each one has been totally different than the next, and each has taught us so much. Have there been stressful times where we feel our hair turning gray? Absolutely! Stressors have included the “system”, the youth’s choices, or their family’s involvement (if it’s not a positive relationship for them). All of those experiences have strengthened our skills as parents and as advocates for our teens.
We’ve had many “wins” as well:
- Witnessing a youth’s confidence increase and mental health stabilize.
- Teaching cooking and household skills (and we’ve learned from them, too!).
- Providing things they haven’t had before, like a quiet bedroom of their own, or a birthday party.
- Experiencing their firsts with them – first carnival ride, first flight, first haircut in a salon, first school dance, first job interview, first apartment.
- Being a source of unconditional love, despite flaws or mistakes.
- Teaching healthy boundaries and, over time, watching them stick.
- Exploring their natural skills with them and encouraging growth opportunities.
People always say that there must be something special about us. There isn’t, I promise! We make mistakes, we apologize, and we learn how to do things differently. In addition, we learn about trauma and how it impacts the brain, and adjust our expectations. We give each other grace.
We often hear that our foster kids are lucky to have us, but each youth has impacted us for the better.
My husband and I have seen our confidence grow in parenting and in leading our household. They stretch us in the absolute best way, and feel thanked in ways that we don’t deserve. Our biological kids (now 7, 4, and 3-year-old twins) adore their “big sisters.” And they have a heightened awareness towards compassion and inclusiveness.
Fostering is a family commitment, and one that we feel so grateful to be a part of.
Have more questions about how to become foster parents to children of all ages? Find out more from Nexus-PATH Family Healing right here in Fargo by visiting their website or Facebook page, or contacting an office near you using THIS FORM.
About the Author: Christina Harmon
Christina is originally from the Twin Cities area. She graduated from University of Mary with a degree in Business Management and married her husband, Travis, in 2013. In 2018, after working in the banking field and non-profit sectors, she decided to become at stay-at-home-mom to their four biological children, keeping their door open to other kids who need them as well. Christina and Travis have been licensed foster parents through Nexus-PATH for 5 years and have welcomed 4 teen girls into their family through foster care. They have also adopted 2 dogs and 2 cats from local rescues, because the more, the merrier!
