I love my husband. And we regularly go on dates.
Or at least we go out as often as possible with parenting two little kids and juggling work and other obligations.
But I’m not just dating my husband. Recently I’ve started dating someone else, too.
I’m dating myself.
And I wish I had started sooner. After a few months of trying it out, I’ve decided I will be dating myself indefinitely.
Unfortunately, it took a nasty fight with my husband before I ever considered the possibility.
The Stress Buildup
A couple of months ago, I had been having a tough time. There had been an extra stressful few weeks, which came after a few increasingly stressful months.
Since the summer, my family had been facing a plethora of health issues. Both of our kids had weeks of visits with specialists, pediatricians, and then more specialists.
And we moved daycare centers — again.
There was a death in my family and other loved ones were in poor health.
My job felt like four jobs. My husband was also getting more responsibility and in his busiest season of the year.
And the holidays were looming.
Oh, and yeah, there’s still that little global pandemic thing going on.
I was cooped up and stressed out. Twice in a week, I had woken up from an anxiety-induced disruption in the middle of the night. The first time I took myself into the bathroom, I was sure I would vomit. Instead, I dry heaved into the toilet until my ribs hurt. Then, a few nights later, I dreamt that I committed some mortifying interpersonal offense at work and woke up with my heart pounding in sweat-soaked clothes.
My body and mind were trying to tell me something.
I was so tired. Tired of the hypervigilant state of waiting for the next crisis: the next health scare, the next curveball at work. Each week it was harder to keep my irritation suppressed. Then, on a Friday evening, I let it all out in an argument with my husband.
I needed a break, but I didn’t realize it until it was too late. Looking back, it should have been obvious.
I had been home alone with my kids (due to my husband’s work schedule) trying to get a priority work project done. It was eight tough days in a row, without reprieve. I was exhausted and it all became too much.
So, the Saturday after the big fight, after I had regained composure brought by a restful night’s sleep, I decided to do something.
I knew I needed a change of pace and scenery. So, after coordinating with my husband to take charge of all the responsibilities that day, I took myself out on a day date.
The Date: Time for Myself
I put on a nice outfit, did my hair and makeup. I took myself out for sushi, alone. And indulged in an appetizer along with a glass of wine. I worked my way through each course leisurely, savoring each taste and enjoying my own quiet company.
Then I took my time getting home, listening to nerdy podcasts as I drove. I stopped in a new shop and strolled through a bookstore.
Afterward, I felt refreshed and reinvigorated: ready to face life for the next few weeks.
It only took a couple of hours away, on my own. And the end result — I was a better mom, a better wife, and a better employee.
You might be rolling your eyes thinking this is another self-care, treat yo’ self blog post, encouraging moms to take a break. And, okay, it kind of is. But it also isn’t.
More Than Just a Break
This date was more than just a short break, and much more than just 10 minutes of mindless social media scrolling.
We have heard the advice to “never stop dating your spouse.”
Well, what about dating ourselves?
Before I lose you, think about it. I need a healthy relationship with myself to be healthier in all my other relationships. How do I maintain a good relationship with myself if I only work on my relationships with others? If my only self-care is “break time?”
So, I have started an experiment. Within reason and the confines of life with two small kids, in addition to dating my husband, I have also occasionally started to date myself.
It’s just like regular dating, except alone.
For me, dating is all about experiences. And dating myself works the same way.
Sometimes it’s a minimal experience, like listening to the music of a new artist. Or, I might drive to pick up coffee instead of drinking what’s in the pot at home. Other times it’s booking a staycation, or binge-watching a new show.
Time to Reconnect with Myself
How this is different from other self-care — I have to listen to myself. Just like any other date, being on my phone would be rude, so I keep it tucked away, further immersing myself in the experience.
I intentionally try to learn more about myself. Reconnecting with who I am, remembering what I like and don’t like. Sometimes I find something has changed about me that I hadn’t realized. And I get time to reflect on why.
Everyone grows and changes over time. And it’s not enough to simply keep up with my family members’ evolution, I need to be aware of my own too.
So far, the experiment has been working. I am more comfortable being in my own company. I feel more self-aware and refreshed, and just all around better.
I encourage other moms to do more than just take a break. To use your valuable time to get to know yourself again.
I’m sure glad I did.
